Ahhh, Susan - how deeply you swam to share your story with us. We are not alone. How many brilliant mothers were shut down, quieted, squished into impossible lives? It's strikingly similar to my high IQ Mom, who managed to keep her suicidal thoughts and mental illness in check. But she abandoned her puppies, and let her shame and rage leak out on us. Perhaps knowing we'd love her no matter what. She passed in January; Spirit said, "take a break before you write her."
I found this today while planning a Mother Wound retreat this fall. You've inspired me, Susan.
Thanks Christina, so much. It costs the everyone so much that our mothers were aggressively stiffled by the culture they were born into, that they didn’t get to give the gifts they were born with, that they acted out, that it had an effect on their “puppies,” (love that BTW). And the beat goes on. Once I had done the bulk of the healing of trauma, and re-membered how much I love my parents, my attention turned to the culture at large. This is the spiritual disciplicne of art. For, it isn’t enough to heal the individual consciousness and carry on as though nothing else is wrong, and allow similar wounding to happen, generation after generation.
Love that evolution to the culture, Susan. Maybe why I’m offering Mother Wound retreat - knowing many young women in our community going through this now! Think global act local? So hard to imagine shifting culture in a time of overt misogyny on the rise.
Hard to imagine a time when it is more necessary and more available. All we have to do is look around at the consequences, the devastation to families and children to see the cost of patriarchy to men, women and children. There is no one else. I’m glad you are having a mother wound retreat. Now’s the time.
Wow, Susan. Just…wow. Stunning. I appreciate this honesty, vulnerability, truth-telling that illuminates important human truths and moves the reader without sentimentality. I cried for your mom, cried for you, and your cave of the heart reconciliation! Ohhh! How glad I am you had that. Even if it didn’t last I sense that coming together of your hearts and hurts continues to heal. Much love to you Susan!
Thank you Amy. I’m so glad you had compassion for my mom. That part took me decades to get to. I would say, almost 20 years after her death, that the reconciliation did last. Looking back, I’d say it was the only thing that lasted. Thank you always, for your friendship and support. It means the world to me.
Thank you for seeing that, Amy. It cost me some time face-down across the bed after I hit “publish.” After I released a good cry, I was good. My prayer, always, is, “I’m willing to feel this.” The benefits far outweigh the cost, as it has reconnected me with my mom, strengthened my adult relationship with her (though she has been gone for 20 years), and reunited me with people from my small hometown who had similar experiences they were unable to discuss at the time we were children. It’s amazing how liberating the truth is, and not just for me. It glows with joy now.
If you know that lake, you know a lot. Sometimes, the only place there is peace is sitting on the bottom of that lake - or ocean. It depends on the day. If the weather is bad, all the turbulence is way up on the surface. In one of the earliest dreams I can remember, maybe 5 years old, I’m swimming around the bottom of the sea when I realize I don’t have enough air to get back. Finally, my body forces me to take ocean into my lungs. That’s when I find I can breathe water.
Susan, your writings are so compelling, honest and raw. Thank you for allowing me to be able to witness your life’s experiences. There are so many secrets in our lives, your vulnerability is thought provoking and powerful to me. I can relate. 🙏🏻❤️
Oh Barbara! I'm so glad you are reading. Thank you so much for saying that. At this point in my life, it's only about love and telling the truth. I think I tell these stories for all of us who do relate. Our culture is not a kind one, and we all pay the price for that. We have no idea how much our worldview costs. If we knew, many of us would refuse to pay.
I agree with everyone. This is simply stunning -- stunningly brave and even more stunningly written. Thank you for having the courage to write this and even more for letting us read it. It's memorable..
I can't tell you how much it means that you said that. I'm always afraid I've gone too far because all those family meetings where we agreed never to talk about these things is still in there. Thank you so much.
There is nothing ordinary about you, Susan. I read a quote from bell hooks that said: "Indeed, no woman writer can write "too much"...No woman has ever written enough.” This is you. Sparking compassion and growth and understanding.
Wow! I am just without words. Besides these of course. It is some seriously great writing that will render me unable to explain how I’m feeling. All the feels. All of them. Thank you for sharing this deeply intimate story! It’s so important and so necessary.
Oh, Amanda, right on time. I so needed this message. Thank you so much. I was just walking around the house singing: "Oh, Lord, Please don't let me be misunderstood..." You know. As you do.
Susan, such courage, and compassion, and patience, and ... to tell it in all it's detail. Sounds like it lifted that ... off your back. I hope you can breathe freely again. Enjoy. You deserve it. :)
Thanks Roy. Oh, it did. That was 20 years ago. What took all the time was learning to love the messy mother as much as the wise mother. I had to stop rejecting my own shadow before I could love hers. She was both, and finally, after enough "eating my shadow with a spoon," I found that I loved both mothers. They'd become one. I wish I could have done that when she was still here. But I take what I can get.
This is stunning. And this, "We are all profoundly ordinary." I don't think you're ordinary at all. I think you're stellar. Women have been treated like crap for eons. Psychiatric care was pretty barbaric back in the days you describe, and sometimes still is. My great aunt was institutionalized for about 13 years between the 1940s and 1950s. She was a brilliant, creative spirit. In the minds of many, her spirit needed to be suppressed. The "what-ifs" don't really matter, because we get what we get. I salute your mother for making the most of the life she had, with the tools she possessed. And I salute you, for your willingness to get vulnerable with her, to heal so much loss. To grieve what you had and what you didn't.
Thanks, Nan. Writing this essay was like trying to put an octopus in a box. I worked on nothing else for days. Even after publishing it, there are things I would change, things I might hit harder. I think the best thing is just to let it stand. I need to focus on my novel.
Hey, thanks for that brilliant idea. I’ve already written a memoir, but it wasn’t very good yet because I didn’t know what it was about - beyond being about my life. Not ready for prime time. Maybe it’s about this. Then I could do all that deep-divey stuff about history i love so much. I think this is the gift of the day!
I love this, Susan. Yes, the cost has been so high, and still is, for all of us. Knowing some of this story already, and knowing you so well it is profound for me to read it in such detail. Thank you for the courage to post it.
Thanks Louise. Your comments mean so much to me. It ain’t easy for anyone. Thank you, too for your support and encouragement, your wisdom and grace. I appreciate you so much.
Amazing what you have written here, Susan! The prices our mothers had to pay in the 50's and 60's. My story is different from yours, but these wounds, not the less, run deep. My mother passed 9 years ago, and I am still dealing with what she left behind in me. Thanks for sharing this story, your life...🖤💜🖤
Thanks Julie. It breaks my heart when I think of what could have been if we all had been free. Sorry for the loss of your mother and all the complications.
My mom was an alcoholic and a few other undiagnosed things, and she was also a brilliant artist. She also wanted things to be different for her daughter (me), and then hated me when they were. It's hard. At 74, there are still things that baffle me, but they no longer enrage me. All in all, the gifts were great having her as my mom, just as the wounding was deep. Thank you for writing this.
Ahhh, Susan - how deeply you swam to share your story with us. We are not alone. How many brilliant mothers were shut down, quieted, squished into impossible lives? It's strikingly similar to my high IQ Mom, who managed to keep her suicidal thoughts and mental illness in check. But she abandoned her puppies, and let her shame and rage leak out on us. Perhaps knowing we'd love her no matter what. She passed in January; Spirit said, "take a break before you write her."
I found this today while planning a Mother Wound retreat this fall. You've inspired me, Susan.
Thanks Christina, so much. It costs the everyone so much that our mothers were aggressively stiffled by the culture they were born into, that they didn’t get to give the gifts they were born with, that they acted out, that it had an effect on their “puppies,” (love that BTW). And the beat goes on. Once I had done the bulk of the healing of trauma, and re-membered how much I love my parents, my attention turned to the culture at large. This is the spiritual disciplicne of art. For, it isn’t enough to heal the individual consciousness and carry on as though nothing else is wrong, and allow similar wounding to happen, generation after generation.
Love that evolution to the culture, Susan. Maybe why I’m offering Mother Wound retreat - knowing many young women in our community going through this now! Think global act local? So hard to imagine shifting culture in a time of overt misogyny on the rise.
Hard to imagine a time when it is more necessary and more available. All we have to do is look around at the consequences, the devastation to families and children to see the cost of patriarchy to men, women and children. There is no one else. I’m glad you are having a mother wound retreat. Now’s the time.
Wow, Susan. Just…wow. Stunning. I appreciate this honesty, vulnerability, truth-telling that illuminates important human truths and moves the reader without sentimentality. I cried for your mom, cried for you, and your cave of the heart reconciliation! Ohhh! How glad I am you had that. Even if it didn’t last I sense that coming together of your hearts and hurts continues to heal. Much love to you Susan!
Thank you Amy. I’m so glad you had compassion for my mom. That part took me decades to get to. I would say, almost 20 years after her death, that the reconciliation did last. Looking back, I’d say it was the only thing that lasted. Thank you always, for your friendship and support. It means the world to me.
Thank you for trusting us with your mother-daughter story, because I can see what it cost you. 💗
Thank you for seeing that, Amy. It cost me some time face-down across the bed after I hit “publish.” After I released a good cry, I was good. My prayer, always, is, “I’m willing to feel this.” The benefits far outweigh the cost, as it has reconnected me with my mom, strengthened my adult relationship with her (though she has been gone for 20 years), and reunited me with people from my small hometown who had similar experiences they were unable to discuss at the time we were children. It’s amazing how liberating the truth is, and not just for me. It glows with joy now.
That is the power of storytelling and you do it so well💗
I didn't know that lake was a thing. I mean, for other people. Thank you for opening my world.
If you know that lake, you know a lot. Sometimes, the only place there is peace is sitting on the bottom of that lake - or ocean. It depends on the day. If the weather is bad, all the turbulence is way up on the surface. In one of the earliest dreams I can remember, maybe 5 years old, I’m swimming around the bottom of the sea when I realize I don’t have enough air to get back. Finally, my body forces me to take ocean into my lungs. That’s when I find I can breathe water.
Susan, your writings are so compelling, honest and raw. Thank you for allowing me to be able to witness your life’s experiences. There are so many secrets in our lives, your vulnerability is thought provoking and powerful to me. I can relate. 🙏🏻❤️
Oh Barbara! I'm so glad you are reading. Thank you so much for saying that. At this point in my life, it's only about love and telling the truth. I think I tell these stories for all of us who do relate. Our culture is not a kind one, and we all pay the price for that. We have no idea how much our worldview costs. If we knew, many of us would refuse to pay.
Tough and moving. Your stories stay with me, Susan.
Thank you Robin. Thank you for sharing it, too. I value you and appreciate you so much. Well met!
❤❤❤
I agree with everyone. This is simply stunning -- stunningly brave and even more stunningly written. Thank you for having the courage to write this and even more for letting us read it. It's memorable..
I can't tell you how much it means that you said that. I'm always afraid I've gone too far because all those family meetings where we agreed never to talk about these things is still in there. Thank you so much.
There is nothing ordinary about you, Susan. I read a quote from bell hooks that said: "Indeed, no woman writer can write "too much"...No woman has ever written enough.” This is you. Sparking compassion and growth and understanding.
Wow Wendy. That brings a tear. Thank you so much. Everything bell hooks said is true. An icon.
Wow! I am just without words. Besides these of course. It is some seriously great writing that will render me unable to explain how I’m feeling. All the feels. All of them. Thank you for sharing this deeply intimate story! It’s so important and so necessary.
Oh, Amanda, right on time. I so needed this message. Thank you so much. I was just walking around the house singing: "Oh, Lord, Please don't let me be misunderstood..." You know. As you do.
A perfect song for today. Lol.
Susan, such courage, and compassion, and patience, and ... to tell it in all it's detail. Sounds like it lifted that ... off your back. I hope you can breathe freely again. Enjoy. You deserve it. :)
Thanks Roy. Oh, it did. That was 20 years ago. What took all the time was learning to love the messy mother as much as the wise mother. I had to stop rejecting my own shadow before I could love hers. She was both, and finally, after enough "eating my shadow with a spoon," I found that I loved both mothers. They'd become one. I wish I could have done that when she was still here. But I take what I can get.
This is stunning. And this, "We are all profoundly ordinary." I don't think you're ordinary at all. I think you're stellar. Women have been treated like crap for eons. Psychiatric care was pretty barbaric back in the days you describe, and sometimes still is. My great aunt was institutionalized for about 13 years between the 1940s and 1950s. She was a brilliant, creative spirit. In the minds of many, her spirit needed to be suppressed. The "what-ifs" don't really matter, because we get what we get. I salute your mother for making the most of the life she had, with the tools she possessed. And I salute you, for your willingness to get vulnerable with her, to heal so much loss. To grieve what you had and what you didn't.
Thanks, Nan. Writing this essay was like trying to put an octopus in a box. I worked on nothing else for days. Even after publishing it, there are things I would change, things I might hit harder. I think the best thing is just to let it stand. I need to focus on my novel.
I hear you. I think this could be the basis of a really powerful memoir. Maybe put it on your "to write" list for after the novel. Just a thought. xo
Hey, thanks for that brilliant idea. I’ve already written a memoir, but it wasn’t very good yet because I didn’t know what it was about - beyond being about my life. Not ready for prime time. Maybe it’s about this. Then I could do all that deep-divey stuff about history i love so much. I think this is the gift of the day!
Love you, Susan! xo
So much pain, such an engrossing read. Well done. I am pleased to have had glimpses of her intellect.
Thank you, Tom. Your support over the decades has been such a boon to me.
I love this, Susan. Yes, the cost has been so high, and still is, for all of us. Knowing some of this story already, and knowing you so well it is profound for me to read it in such detail. Thank you for the courage to post it.
Thanks Louise. Your comments mean so much to me. It ain’t easy for anyone. Thank you, too for your support and encouragement, your wisdom and grace. I appreciate you so much.
Amazing what you have written here, Susan! The prices our mothers had to pay in the 50's and 60's. My story is different from yours, but these wounds, not the less, run deep. My mother passed 9 years ago, and I am still dealing with what she left behind in me. Thanks for sharing this story, your life...🖤💜🖤
Thanks Julie. It breaks my heart when I think of what could have been if we all had been free. Sorry for the loss of your mother and all the complications.
Thank you Charlotte. Thank you for always being there.
Grace and peace for you both.
My mom was an alcoholic and a few other undiagnosed things, and she was also a brilliant artist. She also wanted things to be different for her daughter (me), and then hated me when they were. It's hard. At 74, there are still things that baffle me, but they no longer enrage me. All in all, the gifts were great having her as my mom, just as the wounding was deep. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for this comment. I bet there are so many of us. The wounding is deep, no matter how it is expressed in the world.